Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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