My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
