Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
