I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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