I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
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I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
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Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize