when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
