Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
