Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
