i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
