he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Randomize
