Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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