We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
do nipples grow back?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
