Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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