I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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