Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
