I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
