I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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