My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
