he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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