i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
And then he peed in my hair
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