Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
