my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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