I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
