I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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