Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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