I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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