hell yes lets make some ravioli
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
where am i from again
Barsexuality is the new black.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
