My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
