you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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