I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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