No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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