I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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