Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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