Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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