I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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