I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My penis needs a shock collar
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
