just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
