Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
