im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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