The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
