I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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