Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
