So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
