why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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