ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
