i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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