You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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