dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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