She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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