You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
