Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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