She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Vodka?
Forever.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
