I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
