You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
