Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
