everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize
