woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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