I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
