I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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