Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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